Update, Jan 31, 2017:
Since I discovered the awareness of what I accounted a couple of years ago, I have since then found that special person who loves as I do and has been there for me when there are dark days, as I have been for him. It’s a wonderful thing. Once you know what is important to you and how you need to be support it, go out there and look for it. The better you understand yourself, the greater your chances in finding what you seek.
March 3, 2015:
Sometimes gaining new perspective on life hurts like hell.
Having new clarity around the reality that no one, including my mother, didn’t stand up for me when my sister and I were little really sucks. Realising that not even my father, until I called him out on it at age 15, stood up for us. It made me who I am today, for better or worse. I championed for my little sister when I realised our mother didn’t always have my sister’s best interest on hand, or couldn’t, and grew up championing for others because of my needing someone to be in my corner. We all tend to do the things we wish for most with others, humans are wired funny that way.
And in this moment, I really see my for my needing to feel that I have someone in my life who will be in my corner, to be ‘my person.’ That’s where the last major relationship failed, he wasn’t in my corner, especially when I needed it the most, the one thing I needed the most. It made me choose to be even more self reliant, not trusting anyone to champion for me anymore, unless they say they will, and do what they actually say. It represents integrity to me. People that consistently keep their word, and do what they say they will. The struggle to find people that fit the bill has been apparent in Vancouver, where the culture isn’t as I need it to be, esp. when it comes to finding potential other halves; however, I have found the few gems through the masses as friends, and grateful to have them in my life. This is one of the key reasons why it appears to others clearly that I won’t settle for less. I know what I need, and until I’ve found it, I’ll keep looking, hoping that I won’t miss him with my skill for not picking up on cues of interest when it comes to men.
I’m grateful to have gained deeper awareness on this, truly. #personalgrowth